Dearest readers, for most of us who live in the four seasons parts of the world, March is a transition period. We want to enjoy spring and be ready for summer, so besides fitness goals we double down on other life hack projects as well so we can give summer time our all and get the most out of it in return. With that said, let's talk about what must be one of the worst cases of mistaken identity in the history of self-analysis questions- the case of mistaking "What works for you?" for "What do you like?". Mistaking one for the other can be really bad. Keep reading, this'll get really interesting.
So, since this is about self-analysis and introspection, asking yourself what you like seems to be the most important question because, once you answer it, you know what to go for in life. It's easy, go for what you like! While this may sound good on paper, it's a concept that often does bad things to us when put to work. Let me give you a few examples:
On the other hand, when you ask yourself what works for you, you get a completely different experience. First, you have to dig deep, take a moral inventory, look yourself in the mirror and think of how you grew and evolved over time, who you were and who you are now. That's work, and it's not easy to face yourself like this no matter who you are. Then, after that unpleasant experience, you figure out that what works for you is not always something that you like; in fact, some things that work for you are things you actually dislike. Here are some examples:
So, it may just be that going after what works for you, though initially not a likable choice, will lead you to happiness more times than going after something you immediately like.
So, why do we go for an immediate like that leads us to being unhappy more than we do or something that will make us happy eventually? Some people would say that it's because we are losing our ability to delay gratification. Not true. Some would say that going on a diet also means you are delaying the gratification of eating dessert, but that's not the case because diets like low carb have their own delicious desserts. Also, choosing to date only those people you think you could marry doesn't mean delaying the gratification of having sex- there are one night stands that do happen, activity buddy arrangements and so on (haha). I think the real reason we have difficulty with this is that we are conditioned by society not to say no. We live in a consumerist society that is all about being open, pushing us to socialize and network, inundating us with products or services...all to the point where the word no becomes a taboo of sorts. We are pressured to build our lives around things we like because, once we live that way, we live in service of others' needs, and more times than not this doesn't work for us individually. Here are some examples:
So then, what can we do about this? I think it's impossible to fight and win every single battle and get clarity on the difference between what we like and what works for us in every single aspect of our lives. What helps me is a bank analogy. You can call it Wellness Bank. Every time you go for something you like, you're withdrawing from the bank. Every time you go for something that works for you, you make a deposit. It's up to you to determine the value of each withdrawal and deposit and to make sure you don't end up in the red. Give it a try with this analogy, or find your own that works for you. Either way, try it out because it can do a lot of good for you. Even if you do end up in the red, at least you'll know why and you'll be making a conscious, informed decision; you'll be true to yourself.
So, since this is about self-analysis and introspection, asking yourself what you like seems to be the most important question because, once you answer it, you know what to go for in life. It's easy, go for what you like! While this may sound good on paper, it's a concept that often does bad things to us when put to work. Let me give you a few examples:
- "I like cheese, but cheese sure doesn't like me."
- "I like my partner a lot, but I don't think I could marry them."
- "I got a home equity line of credit to redo my kitchen, floors and carpets and now my budget is collapsing under the weight of the rising interest rate."
On the other hand, when you ask yourself what works for you, you get a completely different experience. First, you have to dig deep, take a moral inventory, look yourself in the mirror and think of how you grew and evolved over time, who you were and who you are now. That's work, and it's not easy to face yourself like this no matter who you are. Then, after that unpleasant experience, you figure out that what works for you is not always something that you like; in fact, some things that work for you are things you actually dislike. Here are some examples:
- "I'm skinny and have little stamina, so what really works for me is a diet and workout routine to fix that." (same goes for being overweight)
- "I'm choosing milk over cream in my coffee because my cholesterol is way too high."
- "I'm only going to actively date someone I can see myself marrying, even if it means less dating altogether."
So, it may just be that going after what works for you, though initially not a likable choice, will lead you to happiness more times than going after something you immediately like.
So, why do we go for an immediate like that leads us to being unhappy more than we do or something that will make us happy eventually? Some people would say that it's because we are losing our ability to delay gratification. Not true. Some would say that going on a diet also means you are delaying the gratification of eating dessert, but that's not the case because diets like low carb have their own delicious desserts. Also, choosing to date only those people you think you could marry doesn't mean delaying the gratification of having sex- there are one night stands that do happen, activity buddy arrangements and so on (haha). I think the real reason we have difficulty with this is that we are conditioned by society not to say no. We live in a consumerist society that is all about being open, pushing us to socialize and network, inundating us with products or services...all to the point where the word no becomes a taboo of sorts. We are pressured to build our lives around things we like because, once we live that way, we live in service of others' needs, and more times than not this doesn't work for us individually. Here are some examples:
- Buy the new expensive Macbook for aesthetics and marginally better specs so that we keep our shareholders happy while we invest a fraction of that money into the next incrementally better products and put the rest offshore. I may like it, but it hurts my wallet and doesn't benefit me at all because my current laptop WORKS for me just fine.
- Hey girl, come out with us for some beer and wings (to make us feel good, even though we know you're on low carb and working hard, but you're such a bad friend and a traitor if you don't). I like hanging out, but sticking with my work and fitness goals WORKS for me.
So then, what can we do about this? I think it's impossible to fight and win every single battle and get clarity on the difference between what we like and what works for us in every single aspect of our lives. What helps me is a bank analogy. You can call it Wellness Bank. Every time you go for something you like, you're withdrawing from the bank. Every time you go for something that works for you, you make a deposit. It's up to you to determine the value of each withdrawal and deposit and to make sure you don't end up in the red. Give it a try with this analogy, or find your own that works for you. Either way, try it out because it can do a lot of good for you. Even if you do end up in the red, at least you'll know why and you'll be making a conscious, informed decision; you'll be true to yourself.