Dearest readers, brace yourselves for ideas that you can make your own and make your relationships way, way easier.
My premise is that the only phone people should ever share is a landline. Oh, you do not have a landline as most people do not any more? Good, then there is no other phone in this world that you should share with your partner or that they should share with you- period! A smartphone is the most powerful handheld, portable and pocketable device in human history (unless the people who really built the Great Pyramid had something better haha wink wink). It contains not just all of your personal and often professional information, but also chunks of your history, the layout of your slice of the algorithmic universe, your hopes and fears, your pleasure and your pain, and most importantly- the reflections of your own subconscious, deepest self. This last part of you is something to which you ought to have full inalienable rights to keep private- at least in every true Western democracy. A human subconscious is a weird place that takes us in all sorts of directions. However, not every directions it takes us in has any direct effect on our real life or everyday decision making. For many of us, our subconscious is a place of our internal debate, our internal struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, what we did and what we ought to do in the future, and so much more. Never before, not even in private diaries, has there been a device that, when plugged into the Internet with its online platforms and algorithms, has revealed so much of your internal process. This can be good when used by you, and bad when used by others. Worst of all, it is really bad when someone wants to interact with it and force you to take this internal process in one direction or another without you arriving at that conclusion naturally. When someone tries to do this, it destroys relationships, families, and even entire societies.
There is a fine distinction between influence and manipulation. We should be ok with influencing each other as we have done it every day since the first humans interacted with each other. However, when you give your phone to someone else to pick apart (metaphorically speaking), you are submitting to them and openly inviting manipulation of your inner self.
Do you think I am exaggerating? Let me give you some examples and then let us revisit that question.
I saw a video clip that went viral on TikTok where a girl said to her guy she was done holiday shopping and then he used his phone camera to zoom in on her retina to see that she is still browsing for clothes online. Now, while that is funny, it is also not ok. She may be buying something else that is better than what she just bought earlier so she will return the other thing. She may be trying to convince herself she made a good choice with her previous purchases. Maybe she knows she cannot spend any more money but at least she can window shop. Or, maybe she is struggling with a shopping addiction. Whatever the case may be, she is using a powerful tool to work things out with herself. Intruding in on that leads to next level arguments.
Another example is the entire "thinking about Rome meme." Basically, this trended on TikTok and beyond for a while and the legacy media picked it up as well. Girls were surprised that many guys in their lives think about Rome fairly often and were trying to figure out why. This is quite entertaining to be sure, but it is not a clean process. If a girl was with a guy who was a history buff or someone who has the sense of stronger, traditional values, she may want to take his phone to see what he has been looking at. This, dearest readers, is again an example of a huge no-no invasion of someone's inner workings. The world of Rome on social media is a messy one. We all know that Rome, as any enduring and successful empire in our ancient past, has had its fair share of trolling the civilians and razing entire cities and regions to the ground as punitive measures (Carthage etc.). Then, there is the question of slavery in the ancient world. However, the best parts of it- culture, commerce, the military machine, city building, engineering, the sense of pride courage determination etc.- all of these inspire many guys out there and not just in the Western world. Now, what do I mean by messy? Sometimes, this inspiration comes from some really ruthless memes, short clips and long-form content. A victory for Rome was often a bitter loss for someone else. However, for every man out there who does not find this strength and inspiration in his own home, on his street, in his town or in his country- this seems to do the trick. Now, that does not mean that the sometimes hardcore nature of this type of content will make every single guy join together and try to retake Constantinople. It does not even mean violence in real life or any negative real-life consequences that would affect his relationship, his work or his health. More times than not, this is the fuel for the internal struggle that has many concluded battles but is a struggle than, in and of itself, only ends when you die. Other times, it does result in something that has real world consequences. When it does, that is the time to address them. You do not, however, interfere with the inner process just because there is now a tool that is a part of it that you can physically take with your hands and explore based on your own goals and desires. Some people criticize this and say well, if I take the phone and explore it, I could notice some stuff that I can address before it is too late. To that I say fuck off! Haha. Before there was a smartphone you could just take, you had to actually look at people around you, analyze them, look for even the slightest clues in their behavior, learn how to interact, analyze and empathize. How about you go do that and become a better, more powerful human being in doing so? :)
Ok, wow, I just read what I have written and damn, that is some heavy philosophical stuff. Now, on to some more practical stuff. I know that, due to my line of work, you may think I am more liberal or woke or something when it comes to dating rules or that I am biased towards live and let live a little too much. You may not believe me, but let me tell you anyways- I have a very, very common sense approach to dating and relationship dynamics and am a total contrarian only to dating ideas and practices that cannot make any sense for the long-term and do not seem like they will stand the test of time.
Texting, social media messaging and call history:
-I am against going through these because hey, if you feel like someone is holding back from you emotionally and physically and mentally, you do not need to look through their phone to see if they are maybe cheating or planning on cheating or about to cheat. They are saving themselves for someone else and are not fully invested into the relationship. This is not court TV, you do not need to snoop, you do not need proof- end it.
Checking out hot people, porn, OF:
-We are all free to get our hots on and use our smartphones to help enhance the experience. Sure, the girls you look at online may be hotter than the one you are with, but hey should you jerk off on the toilet to videos of girls who are ugly compared to the one you are with out of some misguided principle? I am rolling on the floor laughing about this very idea. SO yes, I think your partner has the right to ask for your phone to se what turns you on but has zero right to unconditional compliance with that request. Again, if they feel like you are into porn because you are cheating or want to cheat- break up and that is the end of it.
Location tracking:
-Hell no. Again, if you feel your partner is holding out on you, it is pointless to analyze their location and movement patterns. I have a friend who could not go buy a surprise gift for his girlfriend because of location tracking.
Political, historical, insensitive and politically incorrect content:
-These fuel more inner struggles with positive resolutions than they fuel random violent attacks. People go on mental, intellectual, learning and spiritual journeys all the time. Sometimes, it leads them to dark places. Sometimes, they have to look at the abyss and into the darkness. Other times, they seek to look at the opposing side of their ideas and beliefs because they want new ideas or to strengthen their existing ones. You cannot casually take your partner's phone, look at all this stuff, tear apart and influence the shit out of it. This breaks minds, and then those broken minds break other things.
To wrap it up, dearest readers, the bottom line is that you must leave each others' phones alone, respect how deeply they are embedded into your internal, private struggles and journeys, and instead embrace communicating better, learning more about each other, becoming closer, and having patience and faith that, once your partner works things out internally, they will talk to you about it. Also, if you feel they are saving themselves for a next person, you do not need to look for proof and snoop on their phone; just do what you know is right which is either fix it together or move on separately.
I hope this was a useful topic to talk about and wish you a great week and an even better weekend.
Mwah! :)