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Oh, the money talk. This, dearest readers, seems to be one of the cringiest talks we need to have with a love interest, sooner or later. Due to cultural norms, it almost always feels awkward, opportunistic, crass, and it rarely brings a couple closer together. Yet, our culture is slowly changing and both the media and many people I know are starting to put a new spin on the money talk. In this article, I'd like to compare the delay or outright refusal of money talk - within newly minted couples- to willfull blindness. Once I go over that, I'd like to go over a few up-to-date, real life examples of the consequences this willfull blindness can cause if it persists past the moving in part (call me old-fashioned, but I still think that moving in together is a huge move and a big deal in a relationship).
So, dearest readers, what does it mean to talk about money with someone you're dating? Let's define that first. Near as I can tell, it means you're not just interested in doing activity-food-sex cycle any more- you want to team up, get serious and work on common and individual goals. If you agree that this is the case, then money talk should be the cause for celebration if both people want to get more serious with each other, because the talk itself confirms that! This should be a good, comforting thing. Oh, and if it turns out that only one of you wants the money talk, then you know you don't see eye to eye in terms of what your relationship is, and can make a much better decision where you want the relationship to go thereafter. Win-win.
Nevertheless, many people choose wilfull blindness instead. Why is it willfull blindness? First, it is wilfull because you make a personal choice not to see an important dimension of your partner, and you failto self-analyze your own financial situation, independent of and together with your partner. Second, and most important, it is blindness because the questions that form the money talk make you see so many things that you are literally blind if you don't see them. Let's look into this (pun intended haha). First, I think that starting this talk with "How much do you make?" is a bad idea and the main reason why people came to hate this kind of talk anyways. Income level, dearest readers, does not matter as long as both partners have full-time salaried jobs with opportunity for advancement, in good standing (eligible for merit increases and bonuses, if bonuses apply), and with no or reasonable amount of overtime (work-life balance matters a lot, #truism). If one or both of you run a business, the same criteria applies after slight adjustments. Next, it's very important to talk about debt. Again, the old "How much debt do you have?" is another reason why couples hate to talk about money and you're more likely to shut the conversation down with it, or to get lies for an answer. A better way to go about this is to ask your partner where they see themselves and what they want to have and do five years from now, individually and as part of a couple. Hopefully you'll get a long list of things in response. Then, if you follow up with how they plan to achieve it or if they want to do some of it earlier, not just five years from now, they will end up telling you that they can't because they either want to make more money in order to do it, or they need to clear debt first. Even if they don't, it's simple to figure out. Once you know what they do and how long they've been doing it, you can research online approximately how much money they make. They'll also let you know at some point if they paid for their school or they have student loans. Factor those two in, and if something they want five years from now should be achievable in less time based on the above factors but they still need five years, it means they carry significant debt. Oh, and not just any debt- consumer debt. Other tell tale signs include your partner living their lifestyle beyond their means when you're fairly certain they're accumulating consumer debt as a consequence. This also means that they may never achieve their five year goals, individual ones or the ones they want to share with you. Consequently, either both of you will fail or your partner will fail and come to you for a bailout. Why does this happen more and more these days? It is because there is no cap on consumer spending set by institutions in the same way they do for other things we buy. Often, banks will give you a crazy amount of high-interest credit via the credit cards and not care much. With a mortgage, they won't give you more than you can afford. Same goes for lines of credit and car loans. But with a credit card, not only do they give you more credit than you can afford to use up, but once you go shopping with it, no one will care to check if you can afford what you set out to buy! What's worse, you'll get upsold on spending even more than you planned to spend! No one says ma'am, you can't afford that Louis Vuitton purse it'll get you in tourble, or sir you can't afford that suit, you'll have to eat Instant Noodles for the rest of the month or whatever the case may be. So, if you determine through indirect conversation that someone carries and keeps growing consumer debt, you have to treat it almost as though that person has an addiction and factor that into the thinking part of the relationship.
Now, why does all of this matter before you move in, more than after you do? It's simply because sharing a space with your significant other brings you closer, more connected and less likely to separate no matter what you do to each other. Therefore, you as an individual become stronger when you live with your partner when things are going well, but you also become much, much weaker when things go bad. You know how some say that money is the root of all evil? I think it's more accurate to say that money troubles are the root of all evil. Short of terrible illness or death, nearly everything else can be overcome as long as there are no money problems or financial issues that you were unaware of because you didn't have the money talk!
So there you have it, dearest readers. For some more seasoned relationship people out there, this is a good refresher or a summary of what they already know and practice. For other less experienced relationship people out there, I hope this serves as an excellent springboard for doing the money part of a relationship just right!.
Oh, the money talk. This, dearest readers, seems to be one of the cringiest talks we need to have with a love interest, sooner or later. Due to cultural norms, it almost always feels awkward, opportunistic, crass, and it rarely brings a couple closer together. Yet, our culture is slowly changing and both the media and many people I know are starting to put a new spin on the money talk. In this article, I'd like to compare the delay or outright refusal of money talk - within newly minted couples- to willfull blindness. Once I go over that, I'd like to go over a few up-to-date, real life examples of the consequences this willfull blindness can cause if it persists past the moving in part (call me old-fashioned, but I still think that moving in together is a huge move and a big deal in a relationship).
So, dearest readers, what does it mean to talk about money with someone you're dating? Let's define that first. Near as I can tell, it means you're not just interested in doing activity-food-sex cycle any more- you want to team up, get serious and work on common and individual goals. If you agree that this is the case, then money talk should be the cause for celebration if both people want to get more serious with each other, because the talk itself confirms that! This should be a good, comforting thing. Oh, and if it turns out that only one of you wants the money talk, then you know you don't see eye to eye in terms of what your relationship is, and can make a much better decision where you want the relationship to go thereafter. Win-win.
Nevertheless, many people choose wilfull blindness instead. Why is it willfull blindness? First, it is wilfull because you make a personal choice not to see an important dimension of your partner, and you failto self-analyze your own financial situation, independent of and together with your partner. Second, and most important, it is blindness because the questions that form the money talk make you see so many things that you are literally blind if you don't see them. Let's look into this (pun intended haha). First, I think that starting this talk with "How much do you make?" is a bad idea and the main reason why people came to hate this kind of talk anyways. Income level, dearest readers, does not matter as long as both partners have full-time salaried jobs with opportunity for advancement, in good standing (eligible for merit increases and bonuses, if bonuses apply), and with no or reasonable amount of overtime (work-life balance matters a lot, #truism). If one or both of you run a business, the same criteria applies after slight adjustments. Next, it's very important to talk about debt. Again, the old "How much debt do you have?" is another reason why couples hate to talk about money and you're more likely to shut the conversation down with it, or to get lies for an answer. A better way to go about this is to ask your partner where they see themselves and what they want to have and do five years from now, individually and as part of a couple. Hopefully you'll get a long list of things in response. Then, if you follow up with how they plan to achieve it or if they want to do some of it earlier, not just five years from now, they will end up telling you that they can't because they either want to make more money in order to do it, or they need to clear debt first. Even if they don't, it's simple to figure out. Once you know what they do and how long they've been doing it, you can research online approximately how much money they make. They'll also let you know at some point if they paid for their school or they have student loans. Factor those two in, and if something they want five years from now should be achievable in less time based on the above factors but they still need five years, it means they carry significant debt. Oh, and not just any debt- consumer debt. Other tell tale signs include your partner living their lifestyle beyond their means when you're fairly certain they're accumulating consumer debt as a consequence. This also means that they may never achieve their five year goals, individual ones or the ones they want to share with you. Consequently, either both of you will fail or your partner will fail and come to you for a bailout. Why does this happen more and more these days? It is because there is no cap on consumer spending set by institutions in the same way they do for other things we buy. Often, banks will give you a crazy amount of high-interest credit via the credit cards and not care much. With a mortgage, they won't give you more than you can afford. Same goes for lines of credit and car loans. But with a credit card, not only do they give you more credit than you can afford to use up, but once you go shopping with it, no one will care to check if you can afford what you set out to buy! What's worse, you'll get upsold on spending even more than you planned to spend! No one says ma'am, you can't afford that Louis Vuitton purse it'll get you in tourble, or sir you can't afford that suit, you'll have to eat Instant Noodles for the rest of the month or whatever the case may be. So, if you determine through indirect conversation that someone carries and keeps growing consumer debt, you have to treat it almost as though that person has an addiction and factor that into the thinking part of the relationship.
Now, why does all of this matter before you move in, more than after you do? It's simply because sharing a space with your significant other brings you closer, more connected and less likely to separate no matter what you do to each other. Therefore, you as an individual become stronger when you live with your partner when things are going well, but you also become much, much weaker when things go bad. You know how some say that money is the root of all evil? I think it's more accurate to say that money troubles are the root of all evil. Short of terrible illness or death, nearly everything else can be overcome as long as there are no money problems or financial issues that you were unaware of because you didn't have the money talk!
So there you have it, dearest readers. For some more seasoned relationship people out there, this is a good refresher or a summary of what they already know and practice. For other less experienced relationship people out there, I hope this serves as an excellent springboard for doing the money part of a relationship just right!.