Dearest readers, for better or for worse (so far in my experience, for the better) I have always been a huge fan of mutual self-interest. I think it is one libertarian concept that has always resonated with me. You define what you want now and in the future, who you want to be, what motivates you, and then you find people you can bring into your life who are into the exact same or similar things you are, and they are very motivated about achieving them and excited about life (most of the time). That way, you agree on a fundamental level and end up being a great team, competing together with the world, not against each other. However, over the years there has been a rise of very one sided relationships, and those of you who are dating out there have complained about it more times than not. So, I want to take this opportunity to introduce a concept that might save you a lot of time, money and heartache. Today, I am talking about what I call a ponzi scheme relationship.
A ponzi scheme was originally called something else. Sure, the Italian American Charles Ponzi was the most prolific con artist who used this method, right up there with Bernie Madoff. However, this method was originally known as "Robbing Peter to Pay Paul." Best I could find, the term comes from 16th century England. Basically, the idea is that you get money from one person to transfer it to another without really making any extra money yourself. In regards to Ponzi, he collected investments from multiple people, pretended to invest it and claimed such good returns that investors never wanted to take all the money out, but rather invest even more to enjoy frothier returns. As long as people kept investing and did not withdraw too much money all at once, the scam could keep growing and growing by a lot. All the while, Ponzi and anyone else who tries it and succeeds would look amazing to everyone based off of zero real work, zero product or service, and zero wealth creation.
Look, everyone has self-interest related to improving something in their life. Some people move up by increasing their wealth, other people maximize their health to new levels, others create a perfect work life balance, others help people and become pillars of their communities and so on. All of these are amazing things. However, I think that when you are in a relationship with someone who wants to make themselves greater and want your total and complete help to do it without putting any real work themselves, that is pretty much a ponzi scheme they are trying to pull. You are Peter, they take from you but they are actually the scammer and Paul. They pay themselves, and also make themselves look amazing to the community they are in as if they just did it on their own. The only receipt you get for helping them like this is their fleeting gratitude.
Why does this end up happening? It ends up happening because in this materialistic, money oriented society of ours, we forget there are resources other than money, precious metals and luxury goods that are valuable. There are things people in relationships sometimes feel entitled to take from you that make them greater and make you more resource poor as a result. Here is an example. You two decide you want to lose weight. She feels she needs to eat one type of diet and that works for her, but you know based on your research a different diet works best for you. Let us say she wants low fat and you want keto. She may compel you to do her diet with her because you doing your diet separately makes her feel bad. Oh, and she also wants you to police her eating habits every day so she does not overdo it with the calories. So, now your diet is sabotaged and you need to spend your energy and attention on her diet plus your own. The result is that she will lose weight and brag in front of the whole world how she made it happen, all the while putting you down because you inevitably failed and never telling anyone how you sacrificed your diet by putting more resources into her than into yourself. Another example is her wanting to keep renovating the interior of your place or something, while at the same time your laptops are dying and your TV is less than 40 inches! :p The list goes on and on.
Now, you might ask as the final question, how come she is taking resources from me while we are in a mutually self-interested, loving relationship? The answer is that you are not in one. You are in a ponzi scheme type of relationship where your self-interests do not align with hers/theirs, but she does not care because a mutually self-interested relationship was never her goal; her goal was a ponzi scheme all along.
What can you or any of us do about this? The only things I can think of are honesty, being straightforward, talking about values, plans and motivations freely. Also, actions matter. You need to see if your partner is willing to make themselves greater without robbing you of your opportunity to do so in the process.
A ponzi scheme was originally called something else. Sure, the Italian American Charles Ponzi was the most prolific con artist who used this method, right up there with Bernie Madoff. However, this method was originally known as "Robbing Peter to Pay Paul." Best I could find, the term comes from 16th century England. Basically, the idea is that you get money from one person to transfer it to another without really making any extra money yourself. In regards to Ponzi, he collected investments from multiple people, pretended to invest it and claimed such good returns that investors never wanted to take all the money out, but rather invest even more to enjoy frothier returns. As long as people kept investing and did not withdraw too much money all at once, the scam could keep growing and growing by a lot. All the while, Ponzi and anyone else who tries it and succeeds would look amazing to everyone based off of zero real work, zero product or service, and zero wealth creation.
Look, everyone has self-interest related to improving something in their life. Some people move up by increasing their wealth, other people maximize their health to new levels, others create a perfect work life balance, others help people and become pillars of their communities and so on. All of these are amazing things. However, I think that when you are in a relationship with someone who wants to make themselves greater and want your total and complete help to do it without putting any real work themselves, that is pretty much a ponzi scheme they are trying to pull. You are Peter, they take from you but they are actually the scammer and Paul. They pay themselves, and also make themselves look amazing to the community they are in as if they just did it on their own. The only receipt you get for helping them like this is their fleeting gratitude.
Why does this end up happening? It ends up happening because in this materialistic, money oriented society of ours, we forget there are resources other than money, precious metals and luxury goods that are valuable. There are things people in relationships sometimes feel entitled to take from you that make them greater and make you more resource poor as a result. Here is an example. You two decide you want to lose weight. She feels she needs to eat one type of diet and that works for her, but you know based on your research a different diet works best for you. Let us say she wants low fat and you want keto. She may compel you to do her diet with her because you doing your diet separately makes her feel bad. Oh, and she also wants you to police her eating habits every day so she does not overdo it with the calories. So, now your diet is sabotaged and you need to spend your energy and attention on her diet plus your own. The result is that she will lose weight and brag in front of the whole world how she made it happen, all the while putting you down because you inevitably failed and never telling anyone how you sacrificed your diet by putting more resources into her than into yourself. Another example is her wanting to keep renovating the interior of your place or something, while at the same time your laptops are dying and your TV is less than 40 inches! :p The list goes on and on.
Now, you might ask as the final question, how come she is taking resources from me while we are in a mutually self-interested, loving relationship? The answer is that you are not in one. You are in a ponzi scheme type of relationship where your self-interests do not align with hers/theirs, but she does not care because a mutually self-interested relationship was never her goal; her goal was a ponzi scheme all along.
What can you or any of us do about this? The only things I can think of are honesty, being straightforward, talking about values, plans and motivations freely. Also, actions matter. You need to see if your partner is willing to make themselves greater without robbing you of your opportunity to do so in the process.