Dearest readers, welcome to a rather interesting and spicy topic today. I do not know how many of us have memorable, deep or mind blowing conversations these days. Sure, many of us listen to podcasts daily and hear lots of truly amazing things that way. But, when was the last time you got that from a conversation? Oh, and it cannot be a work-related conversation haha. Luckily, in my line of work, I get to hear lots of interesting and amazing things not related to my work and that makes me truly happy and energized. However, now and then my relatives, friends and acquaintances come up with some truly memorable topics as well. The one that makes my year, hands down, is the one I had with a friend (private life friend, not through work haha) who works as a Data Analyst but also happens to read a lot and think a lot about life. To all of my esteemed gentlemen readers out there, this is going to be a good one and then some.
Read on and enjoy.
I love that it has been a while that I can meet with people for coffee (and cake) in person again with far less fear and stigma in this Brave New World of ours (on the nose pun intended). So here I am, sitting with my friend, let us call him X (he is not my X though haha), and we get to talk about dating. He takes jabs at me for not dating, and I take jabs at him for being a serial dater and really swing trading rather than investing in the dating world. He laughs at the analogy and says hey, at least I am old school dating one girl at a time so that's something. But then, he told me he is going to share with me something he has not shared with many people before, and of course it has to do with dating, and especially dating girls- as he put it.
He asked me, if I were dating, what I would do if I suspected my partner was cheating on me. I said that I would look for evidence, maybe ask to see his phone, see how he is interacting with his phone while we are relaxing together but doing separate stuff... I would also look at changes in behavior, any physical signs of cheating etc. He remarked that yes, wow, it is like I went through a cliche chick article checklist from Cosmo. Then, analytical as he is, he asked me to repeat why I would do all this stuff, why I would look for evidence. I said I would look for evidence because I am suspicious. Then, he asked me why I would become suspicious in the first place. I answered that there would have to be patterns of behavior going on for a while and increasing in intensity that would arouse suspicion in me. He said ok, my turn.
He said that the chain of events from suspicious behaviors of your partner to you having the suspicion, then looking for evidence, then confronting your partner if evidence is found, then going through the drama and craziness and then braking up or try to work it out (which he called infinitely worse) is something we got from mainstream movies, TV shows, Judge Judy and, well, our legal system. He then said that, unlike all of that, in his world there are no judges, no judicial systems, no trials, none of that bullshit. He does not have to operate like that, and he does not need proof. Why would he need it, he said. What would possess him to mimic something so unnecessary in his personal. private life. if someone carries on, for an amount of time he deems long enough on relationship by relationship basis, carries on suspicious behavior indicative of already cheating, thinking of cheating, or acting as if they are cheating even though they are not, he breaks it off. It is done, and it is as simple as that. No drama, no anger, no wallowing in your own emotional refuse while looking for evidence. He concluded this by saying that the only way to hedge against the bad things in your future is to speculate often and get very good at it. The most powerful institutions in our world- banks, corporations, governments... they all do it and do it all the time. They do not wait for the evidence to materialize. Often times, bad things do not end up happening or they do not go from bad to worse precisely because they are preempted by action stemming from accurate speculation.
Needless to say, my mind was blown and I was also taken aback emotionally. I understood the logic, the thought process and the method behind my friend's approach, but emotionally I found it hard to digest. I told him I get it, but it would feel really bad to be on the receiving end of that approach if you are falsely accused and I wanted to know how he would respond to that. My friend responded to it by asking me to think about why people do secretive, elusive and suspicious things in a relationship. if it is for the good of self and the good of the relationship, they would reveal their cards rather quickly by surprising you because they want those brownie points and they want the dopamine and oxytocin hits from seeing you pleasantly surprised and happy. When the behavior continues long enough and there is no grand finale, no big reveal, it is enough for a reasonable person who believes in relationships and growing closer to each other to conclude it is time to part ways as a cheating scenario is either imminent or in progress.
I then said but maybe if and he stopped me, looking rather annoyed. He said maybe nothing. Imagine the bliss of being in a relationship where this is not happening. Imagine it, feel it like you were in one such amazing relationship right now, and tell me why you or I or anyone else should settle for less. Actually do not waste time telling me, as there is no answer worth wasting your breath on. I do not say touche that often, but I sure had to say it right then and there!
So, maybe X is right. Maybe, just maybe, we should hold each other to a higher standard when we are dating. Also, maybe holding each other to a higher standard is a sign of respect- the thing replaced by contempt when a relationship sours to the point of no return. Maybe, when you act like this, you bring out the best in people and they love you for it. I do not know how many more people my friend will date, but I do know that once he finds that one person who will not make him speculate in the way that he does, he will truly find a companion for life. Maybe he is wrong, but the happiness radiating from him sure feels right.
Read on and enjoy.
I love that it has been a while that I can meet with people for coffee (and cake) in person again with far less fear and stigma in this Brave New World of ours (on the nose pun intended). So here I am, sitting with my friend, let us call him X (he is not my X though haha), and we get to talk about dating. He takes jabs at me for not dating, and I take jabs at him for being a serial dater and really swing trading rather than investing in the dating world. He laughs at the analogy and says hey, at least I am old school dating one girl at a time so that's something. But then, he told me he is going to share with me something he has not shared with many people before, and of course it has to do with dating, and especially dating girls- as he put it.
He asked me, if I were dating, what I would do if I suspected my partner was cheating on me. I said that I would look for evidence, maybe ask to see his phone, see how he is interacting with his phone while we are relaxing together but doing separate stuff... I would also look at changes in behavior, any physical signs of cheating etc. He remarked that yes, wow, it is like I went through a cliche chick article checklist from Cosmo. Then, analytical as he is, he asked me to repeat why I would do all this stuff, why I would look for evidence. I said I would look for evidence because I am suspicious. Then, he asked me why I would become suspicious in the first place. I answered that there would have to be patterns of behavior going on for a while and increasing in intensity that would arouse suspicion in me. He said ok, my turn.
He said that the chain of events from suspicious behaviors of your partner to you having the suspicion, then looking for evidence, then confronting your partner if evidence is found, then going through the drama and craziness and then braking up or try to work it out (which he called infinitely worse) is something we got from mainstream movies, TV shows, Judge Judy and, well, our legal system. He then said that, unlike all of that, in his world there are no judges, no judicial systems, no trials, none of that bullshit. He does not have to operate like that, and he does not need proof. Why would he need it, he said. What would possess him to mimic something so unnecessary in his personal. private life. if someone carries on, for an amount of time he deems long enough on relationship by relationship basis, carries on suspicious behavior indicative of already cheating, thinking of cheating, or acting as if they are cheating even though they are not, he breaks it off. It is done, and it is as simple as that. No drama, no anger, no wallowing in your own emotional refuse while looking for evidence. He concluded this by saying that the only way to hedge against the bad things in your future is to speculate often and get very good at it. The most powerful institutions in our world- banks, corporations, governments... they all do it and do it all the time. They do not wait for the evidence to materialize. Often times, bad things do not end up happening or they do not go from bad to worse precisely because they are preempted by action stemming from accurate speculation.
Needless to say, my mind was blown and I was also taken aback emotionally. I understood the logic, the thought process and the method behind my friend's approach, but emotionally I found it hard to digest. I told him I get it, but it would feel really bad to be on the receiving end of that approach if you are falsely accused and I wanted to know how he would respond to that. My friend responded to it by asking me to think about why people do secretive, elusive and suspicious things in a relationship. if it is for the good of self and the good of the relationship, they would reveal their cards rather quickly by surprising you because they want those brownie points and they want the dopamine and oxytocin hits from seeing you pleasantly surprised and happy. When the behavior continues long enough and there is no grand finale, no big reveal, it is enough for a reasonable person who believes in relationships and growing closer to each other to conclude it is time to part ways as a cheating scenario is either imminent or in progress.
I then said but maybe if and he stopped me, looking rather annoyed. He said maybe nothing. Imagine the bliss of being in a relationship where this is not happening. Imagine it, feel it like you were in one such amazing relationship right now, and tell me why you or I or anyone else should settle for less. Actually do not waste time telling me, as there is no answer worth wasting your breath on. I do not say touche that often, but I sure had to say it right then and there!
So, maybe X is right. Maybe, just maybe, we should hold each other to a higher standard when we are dating. Also, maybe holding each other to a higher standard is a sign of respect- the thing replaced by contempt when a relationship sours to the point of no return. Maybe, when you act like this, you bring out the best in people and they love you for it. I do not know how many more people my friend will date, but I do know that once he finds that one person who will not make him speculate in the way that he does, he will truly find a companion for life. Maybe he is wrong, but the happiness radiating from him sure feels right.